I’m attending a Tupelo Press Writing Conference this weekend, and thought it would be fun to share the piece I’ve written in response to an assignment. Participants will be exploring Pablo Neruda’s work, and have been charged with producing an ode in the style of Neruda.
Ode to A
I praise your curves
and angles, your
history,
the lift and heft,
those borrowed traces
sprouting from
an ox head
in fetid Egypt,
the dung trails
alive with beetles
rolling their wares
across rutted paths,
under the hooves
of the blind
mouthless cow in
Sinai, morphing
to the early
Phoenician aleph,
its horns
lowered sideways
in a pasture
far from the docks,
as if asking
what next,
where to,
and not in anger
or fear
or sheer bullness,
but with purpose,
like a harrowed field
or cool drink
at the end
of a hot afternoon.
And centuries
later, the horns
lifted again,
but only halfway,
as if in greeting
the man with the
goods-laden cart,
saying welcome,
traveler,
welcome to my
humble home,
please share
my bread
and soft cheese,
these grapes,
this wine, too.
But how alone
my tongue feels
in singing your name,
never touching lip
or roof of mouth,
worshipping
the apex of your rich
furrow, forever
plowing forward,
yet failing,
fallow at every turn.
And I have
not yet mentioned
your lower
case,
kneeling and
well rounded,
a bud, a tender
shoot bridging
two stones
in a dry
plot: oh, to be
that tongue
and palate,
those lips
surrounding you,
to be your
consonant
in a field of vowels.
This was brilliant. Since this is a draft, would it be agreeable if I critiqued it here?
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Sure. You should always feel free to critique my writing here.
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I think this is an extremely clever write. And reminiscent of Pablo Neruda’s form. Having said that, here are a few humble comments that I hope will improve the overall quality of the verse.
I praise your curves
and angles,
(Would you consider replacing curves with “arch”. The meaning does not change much, but would allow for some alliteration.)
the lift and heft,
(I like the repetition of the “ft” sound here.)
an ox head
(Would you consider ox’s head? It makes it grammatically correct, and the repetition of the “s” sound right after “sprouting” would give a feeling of rapid sprouting)
rolling their wares
across rutted paths,
(Would you consider “rutted roads”? Alliteration is an ornamental feature, especially in free verse)
morphing
to the early
Phoenician aleph,
(Excellent! I love this)
goods-laden cart,
saying welcome,
traveler,
welcome to my
humble home,
please share
my bread
and soft cheese,
these grapes,
this wine, too.
(Would you consider rewriting the above in the following fashion:
goods-laden cart,
saying:
welcome, traveler,
welcome to my humble home,
please share my bread
and soft cheese,
these grapes,
this wine too.)
But how alone
(Would you consider replacing alone with “lonely”? It also allows for slant rhyme with “feels” in the next line. I love the alliteration at the end of the stanza)
I really enjoyed reading the poem. Keep the goodness coming. 🙂
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Thank you for this. I’ll reply later, as I’m preparing for the conference.
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Qanit, here are my replies:
I praise your curves
and angles,
(Would you consider replacing curves with “arch”. The meaning does not change much, but would allow for some alliteration.)
I wouldn’t change “curves” here, as this particular word resonates with a later portion of the poem (the lower case section).
an ox head
(Would you consider ox’s head? It makes it grammatically correct, and the repetition of the “s” sound right after “sprouting” would give a feeling of rapid sprouting)
I’d likely retain ox head here, as the poem refers to a depiction rather than the actual head of an ox. But I did try it in an earlier version. 🙂
rolling their wares
across rutted paths,
(Would you consider “rutted roads”? Alliteration is an ornamental feature, especially in free verse) Roads might work. I was hoping to evoke something more rustic and primitive, hence the word path.
goods-laden cart,
saying welcome,
traveler,
welcome to my
humble home,
please share
my bread
and soft cheese,
these grapes,
this wine, too.
(Would you consider rewriting the above in the following fashion:
goods-laden cart,
saying:
welcome, traveler,
welcome to my humble home,
please share my bread
and soft cheese,
these grapes,
this wine too.)
Your version certainly works, too.
But how alone
(Would you consider replacing alone with “lonely”? It also allows for slant rhyme with “feels” in the next line. I love the alliteration at the end of the stanza)
I like your idea, but think “lonely” takes it to a different place.
Thanks very much for your thoughtful comments.
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I so love this, Robert.! Evoking the different cultures from whence A sprang, brilliant! I hope the conference is a great experience. Maybe you’ll be moved to write a post about it?
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Thank you. I started writing an ode about the alphabet, but realized that no one would want to read a hundred-page ode, so I stopped with “A.” I don’t know that I’ll write about this particular conference, but may eventually write about my experiences at conferences. I’m so glad you posted a reply. I was thinking about you just the other day!
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vey nice. i might add that i love the smell of cow crap in the air on a damp winter morning. no joke.
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But somehow that odor never reminds me of the alphabet.
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Nicely done
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Thank you.
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enjoy
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It will be fun. Thanks.
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Brilliant and beautiful!
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Thank you, Lisa.
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Oh My Goodness, what brilliant and exquisite poetry!
It is a lovely story and all seemed one coherent piece..except…. Only one change i would make is to add a d for past tense to praise in first line. this would then jive with the second verse which transitions to centuries later….
have fun at your workshop. 🙂
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Thank you, Steph. The praise is intended to be in the present, in the “now” of the poem.
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my mind wants to make it a story because the “centuries later” seemed a transition line.
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p.s. Neruda would very much admire your work. too. 🙂
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And thank you for making my day!
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p.s 2 ..and A better kneel at the crown of your pen for this lovely gift. lol 🙂
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Ha! Thanks again!
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All I can saw is wow – that was a amazing.
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Thank you, Michelle.
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Strong detail.
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Thank you.
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Damn! You do a mean Neruda.
Although once I got to the soft cheese and grapes it began to sound like Neruda doing a mean You… 🙂 enjoy the conference!
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Ha! There had to be a little something to snack on…
The conference has been fantastic, but I’ll be ready for bed Sunday night – got maybe three hours of sleep this morning.
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“to be your
consonant
in a field of vowels”
I really enjoy this visual. Enjoy the conference! 🙂
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Thank you!
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Oh, wow … cleverly written! I so, so love this. Awesome, Robert! What a poem.
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Thanks, Sherrie.
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I really like your sentence structure here. I think it is sound…to say the very least
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Thanks very much. I was trying, with some degree of success perhaps, to emulate Neruda, so he gets the credit.
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Neruda was a king. Well credited, friend…
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You and Neruda rock! I just saw him, lying in his grave, putting on his reading glasses, and giving your work his seal of approval. The wax seal is the shape of a condor taking flight.
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Thank you, Jilanne! Ah, el condor pasa!
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This is very strong.
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Thank you, Dana. It was a worthwhile exercise, one that I may repeat from time to time.
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