Among falling devilwood blossoms, I lie
on an empty hill this calm spring night.
The moon lunges above the hill, scaring the birds,
but they’re never quiet in this spring canyon.
Another try at an old favorite…
I consider this adaptation rather than translation, but perhaps appropriation or even remaking might be more accurate.
Here’s the transliteration from chinese-poems.com:
Person idle osmanthus flower fall
Night quiet spring hill empty
Moon out startle hill birds
Constant call spring ravine in
So many choices, none of them exactly right, none of them entirely wrong. How does one imply idleness, what words to use for “flower” (blossom? petal?), or for that matter, “fall” (descend, flutter, spiral)? And how to describe a moonrise that scares the constantly calling birds? My first attempt began:
“I lie among the falling petals”
but it seemed vague. The word “osmanthus” fattened my tongue, or so it felt, but the osmanthus americanus, otherwise known as devilwood or wild olive, grows in parts of Texas. So I brought the poem closer to home.
I considered naming the birds (quail came to mind) but decided against. In this case the specificity felt somehow intrusive.
My hope is that I’ve managed to amplify, in some small way, previous iterations, and that while the edges are still a bit blurred in morning’s first light, perhaps they’ll become slightly crisper by the evening.
“Spring Night” made its first appearance on O at the Edges in April, 2014.
I,never considered the moon scaring the birds. What a great image. And it has a creepy resonance with “devilwood”.
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I worried that “devilwood” might carry too much baggage, but in the end used it. I do like the implied creepiness.
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I don’t think it’s too much at all. You’re drawn into the calm hillside until the moon lunges and then the devil in devilwood comes out to play.
(Sorry about the duplicate and messy comments. My coffee hasn’t kicked in this morning.)
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I liked the sound of it better than osmanthus or wild olive, which I think would have lent it a different atmosphere. And I don’t think there is enough coffee in the world today!
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A fine adaptation. Lovely.
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Thank you, Leslie.
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It’s a nice treat to see your thought process while writing.
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There are so many choices to make, that I thought a few people would find the process interesting.
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I don’t think it’s too much at all. You’re sucked into the calm hillside until the moon lunges and then the devil in devilwood comes out to play.
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i first stumbled on osmanthus fragrans at a green tea farm in Korea & i wanted to lunge into it, the perfume is very intoxicating as are the imagery in these poems.
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We have wild sage that inspires the same feeling.
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Fascinating to see the thought processes you go through in each incarnation of the poem, Bob. I like how you’ve specified the person, though. I can’t really know, not being a Mandarin (or Cantonese) reader, but “person idle” sounds so much better (and relatable) as “I.” I’m also taken with devilwood and the concept of an empty hill, though you’ve expertly inserted the narrator onto the hill (therefore, is it really empty?! eureka!). There’s so much going on with this fragment; imho, you’ve done a wonderful updating of a timeless poem and made it more warm and inhabited, and much less distant (the original: observed & related, almost from afar; yours: observed & related, but more importantly, lived).
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I’m certain that I’ve lost much of the nuance found in the original, but I can only work within my limitations, and hope to tease out something memorable.
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The choices that we make as we translate, they decide what flavour the poem will have finally. Do keep giving glimpses of them.
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So true, Nazir. And I enjoy entering a poem from that perspective.
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Very intriguing.
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Thanks, M.
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You’re welcome Robert
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Love that lunging moon!
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Perhaps I spend too much time looking up into the night sky…
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I don’t think one can ever gaze upon the sky too much . . . . except perhaps while driving.
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Ha! I’ve actually had to remind myself of that very thing. Cloud formations are so enticing…
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Impeccable work..:)
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Thanks very much!
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This is brilliant, Robert. Thanks for sharing your thought process. There is much to be learned from your play with the words.
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Thank you, Tanya. It is a joyful task to attempt placing these poems into a personal, yet still universal, context.
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I like your version – and thank you for sharing the thoughts of a translator. I know the difficulties.
The original: 《鳥鳴澗》(Bird Call Creek)
by 王維 (Wang Wei)
人閒桂花落,夜靜春山空。
月出驚山鳥,時鳴春澗中。
The first two words, 人閒 “person idle” means “when one is at ease”, so although it does not nominate the person, we can all take it as a comment from the poet of his own experience. It sets the scene : in the quiet of the night. 桂花 Osmanthus fragrans has tiny flowers; usually you smell it before you see it, and often you don’t see the source of the scent. I have one in my garden.
Although there is a current of disquiet in this poem, those elements such as the falling of flowers, the fluster of roosting birds, the disruption of the quiet night by their calls accentuate that stillness. By the way I do not agree with the translation of “constant call”; to me 時鳴 describes a temporary disturbance, I would say “occasional calls”.
Chinese is concise but not precise, particularly in poetry.
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Thanks, Mary. I was hoping you’d comment. I may have another go at this one, to incorporate what you’ve pointed out. It is amazing that so few lines can offer so many versions! Concise but not precise. I love that!
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I don’t read translations of Chinese poems because I can read the original and prefer my own interpretations hahaha but I do like what you’re doing with them.
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I’d love to read your interpretation Mary.
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If I had your language skills I’d not read translations either! And thanks for bothering with my adaptations. 🙂
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So nice to get an insight into the making of an o at the edges poem! Funny what you say about edges getting crisper- I started reading your post late last night but stopped to give it a proper read in the sharper state I’d be in, in the morning. Not sure I’m as sharp as I’d hoped, but I enjoyed your poem haha
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I’m frequently sharper in the morning than the afternoon (tho my wife might say “Sharp? Sharp? You?”), but today was an exception. I just couldn’t get untracked until the afternoon. 🙂
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Yes, I’m a morning person too. With my son having the first night in a long time of sleeping it through in his own cot, I probably should have been brighter eyed and bushier tailed today, but maybe the extra sleep dulled the senses a little- took away the edge of frazzled energy I normally have in the morning haha. Always something to complain about…
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Absolutely gorgeous!
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You’re very kind. Thank you.
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You’re welcome–my comments are always sincere 🙂
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Thank you for sharing your thought process…it can be agonizing trying to find the right fit when translating–it is certainly a delicate art that carries so much responsibility. If you stray too far, you cannot convey the original meaning, but too literal a translation is awkward. I applaud your efforts and admire the result!
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Finding the right word is frequently agonizing for me, even when writing my own poetry. But it’s rewarding when it works out!
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Too true friend, too true! And that is the plight of the writer. There are so many beautiful words out there, how can we choose just one when five would go perfectly in that spot? And the concentration involved! I start to seek the word in my brain…I see them like connected tunnels, and if I can get the feeling I want to convey and find just one word that approaches it, the tunnels start to light up and I can get closer and closer to what I want. But if my husband or children suddenly appear, the tunnels all become dark again, and I have to start from the beginning. It becomes frustrating when you go through the same tunnels over and over again and never reach your destination. I should probably try to wake up at five a.m. if I want some proper writing time. 🙂
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I know those tunnels! I’m fortunate to now have a separate writing space, which affords me time alone. But this wasn’t always the case.
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A fascinating wrestle
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I think it ended in a draw, although I was nearly pinned several times.
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Now I feel better. I promised you (I would do this for just anyone) to share my piece inspired by Li Po and found myself unable to do so without commenting on the how and why of translating from the Chinese. I see you feel similarly.
Later today will it will post on my blog for you master, from your humble student, as the Chinese would say.
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Thank you, Angela. I can’t wait to read it.
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Super translation, Sweetie! Thanks for letting us see your process.
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So pleased you liked it, Jane. Thank you!
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Pingback: Spring Night (After Wang Wei via Robert Okaji) | Jilanne Hoffmann
Devil wood. Such a good choice.
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Thank you. I’m pleased it works for you.
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Pingback: The “Telephone” Poetry Challenge | Brigit's Flame Writing Community
Haha I’d love to do something like this!
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Do it. Get to work! 🙂
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Maybe 😂😊
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Just one word followed by another. And another.
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This is indeed a very intriguing poem, or poetic image. Many possibilities exist for wording it in English, but I doubt that language can equal the simultaneous multiple imagery possible with Chinese ideograms. Here are three variations of one paraphrase, based on what you have written and explained.
Spring Moonrise #1
In idle calm I lie as Osmanthus petals fall
across this open hill sprawled under springtime night,
then moonrise startles birds with its silent burst of light
fading down in ravine shadows with echoes of it all.
Spring Moonrise #2
In idle calm I lie as Osmanthus petals fall
across this open hill sprawled under springtime night,
then moonrise startles birds with its silent burst of light
fading down in ravine shadows with echoes of their flight.
Spring Moonrise #3
In idle calm I lie as Osmanthus petals fall
across this open hill sprawled under springtime night,
then moonrise startles birds with its silent burst of light
fading down in ravine shadows with echoes of their call.
The original idea is one of timeless and compelling beauty. Thanks for describing it.
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Thank you for these. We could no doubt produce hundreds of variations, which speaks to the delights and challenges of translation/adaptation. Amazing what so few words can provoke.
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This was very interesting and expressive or the opportunities are there to be so. I had a go:
Basking in the shower of blossoms; sweet olive skins
fill the vacant hill in meditation of spring this eve.
Silvered smiles, though sincere, intimidate fleeting birds,
temporarily their spring-song’s echo flows through the gorge.
Thank you for the ‘like’, and will be back to explore your site thought provoking set up more.
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I like your take on the poem, Anita. Thanks very much. And I fixed your minor typo. 🙂
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Thank you.
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You are trying to capture a perception from an Eastern poet. I think it resonates except for the lunging moon – I don’t get that. Good analysis and iteration. Thanks!
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Thank you. The lunging moon may speak too much to personal experience, and might be improved by toning down the phrase a bit. I think if I were to revise this one, it would be very different.
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I’ll think on this one, but I can’t come up with an alternate word that might fit for me.
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I’d also have to incorporate what Mary Tang mentioned in her comments. So many poems, so little time.
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I read Jilanne Hoffmann’s poem first and found it moving. She said she was inspired by you, so I wanted to check it out. I love the line “The moon lunges above the hill, scaring the birds.” Telling the backstory adds so much to the post. Very nice! 🙂 Marsha 🙂
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Thank you, Marsha. Jilanne’s one of my favorites. Wang Wei, of course, is the real inspiration.
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I see that. Interesting what you both did with his poem.
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You might enjoy reading 19 Ways of Looking at Wang Wei, in which 19 translations of one of Wang’s poems are discussed. Illuminating.
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It sounds illuminating. I’m curious about your background. Your poetry is so deep and very intellectual. I should peek at your about page. Do you often use other poets as inspiration? I’m curious, I noticed that you have some pictures with your poems, are they your inspiration, or did you write first, and find the picture afterwards? 🙂
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Just ordered it on Amazon. Thanks! 🙂
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I have an undergraduate degree in history, was a bookseller (used and rare) for a while, a business officer at a university, have always been a voracious reader, and am curious. I occasionally use other poets’ work to get me going, but with the Chinese adaptations, I’m truly attempting to fashion another version of their poems. The photos are almost always added well after the poems have been written – I enjoy pairing the two.
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You’ll enjoy the book!
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Thank you for this beautiful poem! Especially appreciate hearing your process 🙂
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Composing these is a great pleasure, and made more so by comments such as yours.
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I so want to be there! You took me to a place I can never go to from the confines of my bed. So descriptive and the imagery! Wow. I felt like I am there. Thank you Robert!
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Wang Wei gets the credit. I earned an assist. 🙂
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