My Mother’s Ghost Sits Next to Me at the Hotel Bar
Blue-tinted and red-mouthed, you light a cigarette
that glows green between your lips and smells of
menthol and old coffins, burnt fruit and days carved
into lonely minutes. I mumble hello, and because
you never speak, order a tulip of double IPA, which the
bartender sets in front of me. Longing to ask someone
in authority to explain the protocol in such matters,
I slide it over, but of course you don’t acknowledge
the act. The bartender shrugs and I munch on spiced
corn nuts. I wish I could speak Japanese, I say, or cook
with chopsticks the way you did. We all keep secrets, but
why didn’t you share your ability to juggle balls behind
your back sometime before I was thirty? And I still
can’t duplicate that pork chili, though my yaki soba
approaches yours. You stub out the cigarette and immediately
light another. Those things killed you, I say, but what the hell.
As always, you look in any direction but mine, your face
an empty corsage. What is the half-life of promise, I ask. Why
do my words swallow themselves? Who is the grandfather
of loneliness? Your outline flickers and fades until only a trace
of smoke remains. I think of tea leaves and a Texas noon,
of rice balls and the vacuum between what is and what
could have been, of compromise and stubbornness and love,
then look up at the muted tv, grab your beer, and drink.
* * *
“My Mother’s Ghost Sits Next to Me at the Hotel Bar” was first published in The Lake in December 2018.
Excellent
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Thanks, Beth!
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Robert Okaji (O At The Edges) nails this “gone” (but not) mother-son relationship poem with his usual suprior style. Always, Bob, grab – and drink – her beer.
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Thank you, sir. Waste not, want not!
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Wamt Not, Waist Yet (stashed)
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Wow, Robert. This is among your best, I think, so rich and compressed. Bravo!
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Thanks very much!
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Just a fantastic poem Rob, just wonderful, full of life, remorse, wisdom.
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Thanks very much, Jim. Ah, family. Ah, regret…
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Sometimes, I dream of my father… Your poem echoes with what I feel when I see him on those edges of sleep… Distances, never bridged, never even fully comprehended. And then, the door is fully closed, the ghost whispering through the keyhole on the other side…
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My dreams are full of regret – those lost words and unexpressed feelings, both good and bad. But the ghosts keep whispering.
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So many questions we ask of the ghosts that haunt us. So few answers.
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My mother did not speak to me in my dreams for more than a decade. When she finally spoke, she said in a broad, midwestern accent “You could stand to lose a few pounds,” which was quite startling, as that was a phrase she never would have used, and her real accent, even after living in the U.S. for 50+ years, was heavy on the Japanese. The questions are still unanswered.
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The words of this poem lingers on after you have read it, just like the memories they evoke. That is what I believe makes this poem so powerful. I love it.
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I’m so pleased this resonates for you. Thanks very much!
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Great job!
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Thanks very much, Christina!
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Your voice brings to life one of my favorite Okaji poems.
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Thank you, Ken. I have two others in this series that keep getting rejected. Perhaps they’ll find a home in the near future. 🙂
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How powerful, and it feels like the imagery from your words dips into a wave, then escaping. Like reaching into a painting, but not being able to fully grab the objects in it. That is such a complex theme you weaved here quite eloquently, either the mutual understanding and connection, and at the same time, a sort of disconnect from differences and places in life (perhaps literally or metaphorically). It is indeed lingering, and I can’t help but feel this one is going to stick with me for awhile. A very stirring piece. Such visceral writing, as always. This is surreal.
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Thank you. Memories and experiences combined with imagination, regret and longing. Stir in some sorrow and there you are…
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An interesting presentation… Love the details that come out as you reflect on her and her life and what you wished you would have asked her.
Well done Robert!
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Thanks, Dwight. The details were hard to pin down, but eventually the right ones emerged.
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Yes, that is the way it seems to work! Great job!
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Phenomenal!
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Thanks very much, Jay. Much appreciated.
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You state: “I wish I could speak Japanese”. It is not exactly an easy language, but it is a very satisfying language to speak at any level. So I would suggest learning as much as you can, because speaking only a few words is better than none at all. Plus, learning the kinds of words and phrases you want to speak keeps a student excited and motivated, rather than boring standardized textbook stuff. The book “How To Sound Intelligent in Japanese” is a great book in this regard. A few decent text books and the advanced Pimsleur audio stuff, and you will be off to a great start in speaking conversational Japanese. Ganbatte!
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You’re absolutely right! I ordered a Pimsleur set and the book you recommended. Ganbari mas!
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The Pimsleur audio stuff is a great intro because it is repetitive, and the book has a lot of great little words. The only thing missing is a good grammar book you can consult. Not study per se but consult, since such books can be very overwhelming if you try to “study and memorize” the material within. If we remember that NO ONE can become fluent in any language from just study materials, then we can avoid negative feelings: comparing ourselves to others, being intimidated by the info we have yet to study, getting too attached to accumulation rather than expression, and so on, the things that stop us from continuing after we start.
You and I don’t feel bad because we don’t know every single word of the English language or every single thing that Stephen Hawking said, yet we demand that of ourselves in our studies of second languages. The only Japanese that “counts” is the stuff we enjoy saying, talking about pie, sex, beer, amazing cuisine, and such.
And what better way to honor your Mother than happily connecting to your heritage, rather than having it be a rough, pedantic slog?
“Japanese: A Comprehensive Grammar” is fantastic, but they sell it for over $100 on Amazon! Unreal. It is a big book, but that is a rip off unless you are going to study Japanese for decades and attempt fluency. Personally I love it, but it is an investment in one’s self rather than something one should buy then lose interest in and leave n the shelf.
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A basic vocabulary and a few simple phrases will be a good start. I’ll forge ahead, and then determine which grammar book to get. Thanks for the push!
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No problem. Verbs are fun to learn in Japanese, you can keep on adding to them. Take “tabe” (eat) then add the past tense of “chau” (chatta: regret) and you get tabechatta. One Japanese verb… which means “I regret having eaten that thing”. One Japanese word = six English words. Omoroi! (The Osakan way of saying omoshiroi: interesting/fascinating/funny).
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Love it! This sets the mind to whirling.
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Ooh, I just found a used copy of Japanese: A Comprehensive Grammar for $7.00!
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Grab it, NOW! Even if it is the first edition, it is such a great resource. Keep in mind that it is not a teaching tool, it doesn’t progress from easy to hard. It is more like a grammar dictionary you can use. The “How To…” and “Japanese: A Compre…” are great for picking up ideas and bits. The world of Nihongo is so great, even learning a small sentence or two is so much fun!
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Got it! Should be here within a week. This will be fun. And rewarding.
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Powerful and haunting! Loved this!!!
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Thank you!
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