Where Have I Been?

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We’re all terminal, but some of us have accelerated time lines.

A few months ago I was diagnosed with late stage metastatic lung cancer. The prognosis, as you might imagine, is not good, and the timing is uncertain. Do I have six months? Three years? More? Less? No one can say.

Before the diagnosis I lived for months with intense pain, a wildly plummeting heart rate, a lost voice, and questions. Many questions. As of today, the pain and heart rate are under control, the voice is returning, albeit sporadically and in a diminished state, and the questions have dwindled. WHAT has been answered, and WHY no longer matters. I am left with the ever-wavering WHEN, which I refuse to dwell upon, and HOW, which has morphed into “how shall I spend my remaining hours”?

To that end, I choose to celebrate, to share those brief wonders and observations, the sights, feel, smells and sounds of tangible and intangible joys, the moments and experiences, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, that weave through our days and add immeasurably to our lives.

I’ll post these brief notes here from time to time, as circumstances allow. I hope you might join me, lend your wisdom and insight, tell your stories, offer poems, share your moments, memories and precious time. Life is good! Let’s celebrate!

182 thoughts on “Where Have I Been?”

  1. Oh, I am very sorry to read about this! I send what positive energy I can muster to you, and yours. I am sorry, Robert. I had been worried when I noticed your posts trailed off. You have important things to attend to. I wish, as a reader, and a person, there is more I could do.

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  2. Bob. I’ve wondered where you’ve been, and now I know. I will celebrate the small moments with you and I include in that celebration knowing you over these years, and loving your poems (Driving with the Radio On comes to mind this very second). Much love from you fan and faraway friend.

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  6. Sorry to hear! I was wondering where your posts went.

    I’ve been getting into alternative health modalities and many have healed themselves through processes of super dosing on digestive enzymes and systemic enzymes with vitamins and minerals and utilizing epsom salt enemas and coffee enemas to flush their livers and get the colon cleansed and off of processed foods of all kinds. Also healing frequencies and vibrations, such as being around beehives.

    Regardless may God’s angels be released to bring your body what it needs to fully heal and allow you the means to write what needs to be written!!! Much love.

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  7. Very sorry to hear this news. My brother is also fighting a battle with cancer. I wish you the best and will be very happy to continuing sharing our creative spirits as we have through the years. Best regards, Phil

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  9. Dear Mr. Okaji,
    I am so sorry to read of your illness. Your poetry is inspiring to me, as is your post about how you are choosing to focus your thoughts during this time. My hope and prayer is that you will be able to do exactly what you aim for, and to celebrate and share all of those things that make a life well-lived.

    May the wonders and joys fill your days.

    Kerri J. Roe

    http://www.dreamsofshadowandlight.Wordpress.com
    http://www.kerrijroe.com

    Sent from my iPhone

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  10. Much love to you, Robert. Hoping here that you will find in these days intense joys.

    Ofc, all times always exist. It’s just that we can’t see the others from where we are, must as Tampa remains when I go to Boston, and Boston remains when I leave it for Tampa. All those other moments of your life, your birth, your death, all in betwen, all simply are.

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    • The light and love is much appreciated, Lynne. Thank you! Stephanie is a blessing, indeed. Her presence fills me with joy, and we share much laughter. Turns out we both enjoy dark humor, and now there’s a lot of fuel for that in our daily lives. Ha.

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  15. I hate to read this, Robert, but I’m also glad you shared it because I was wondering if you took a sabbatical because a lot of other writers have done so.

    I offer my blessings of peace, happy moments to be had, and poetry. I hope you still have poetry in you. 🙏🏾💫

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  16. Robert, I’m so sorry to hear about your prognosis. Sending you good thoughts and crossing fingers that you’ll feel as well as possible for a long time to come. (I’ve been mostly absent from WP the last couple of years but still get email notifications. When I read the one with your post I just had to stop by.) Your poetry is the best and I hope you’ll be able to continue writing as often as possible.

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  17. Oh wow Bob – it’s so good to hear from you but certainly not the best news! I’m glad your pain is under control and i heartily agree with your attitude of celebration! Vibes like that are also good medicine! I’ll be rooting for you and please know i am showering you with light and love daily. My friend, i am so glad you have Stephanie by your side!
    All the best🤞😘 and i look forward to hearing from you again – you are one of my favourite poets as well as people! (the rest of my reply above got cut off for some reason)

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  18. Sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Having come recently from a stroke and then triple negative breast cancer, I still can’t know what you are going through, snd virtual hugs just don’t sound like they cut it. I hope you continue writing and hope even more that somehow you beat this. Please hug your loved ones and keep going.

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  19. Bob, Chance led me to look at my reader today as I’ve been offline for a month, and not sure when I’ll be back. The poetry currents are evidently strong.

    This is, of course, not good news. But to celebrate life is always a good choice I think. Sending all my best thoughts, Kerfe

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  21. Bob,

    I’m so sorry to hear this, but I’m glad you’re focusing on the things you can celebrate.

    Nevertheless, goddammit and fuck cancer. I know there’s a tradition of the best poets being taken too soon, but being to exception to the rule, well, we’d all appreciate that.

    You and Stephanie are in my thoughts.

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  22. Oh, hell, Robert. I’m sorry. The poems you’ve posted have meant a lot to me, and I’ve shared a good number of them with friends or on Twitter.

    On celebrating at this time: Beauty has never been as sharp-edged and clear as when I’ve been (or thought I’ve been) close to death, either my own or that of someone I love. May you find moments of beauty in whatever time you have.

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  25. You bring such beauty into the world, Robert, even now, even in relaying this news. You are a teacher and an artist and it is a pleasure to learn from you. I am so sorry to read this news from you, but will honour you by seeing and celebrating. Thank you.

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  26. I love this and am sending you love and insights of daily bliss in all you do. I’m also sorry you have to deal with this.
    💞
    “I am left with the ever-wavering WHEN, which I refuse to dwell upon, and HOW, which has morphed into “how shall I spend my remaining hours”?

    To that end, I choose to celebrate, to share those brief wonders and observations, the sights, feel, smells and sounds of tangible and intangible joys, the moments and experiences, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, that weave through our days and add immeasurably to our lives.”

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  27. Glad you feel up to posting a bit. For what it’s worth you’re in my prayers every day since we corresponded. Every day is precious, especially those where we have a bit more enegy.

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  30. I too had noted the gap in posting, but knowing how life interrupts art I was hesitant to ask. Even when I thought today I should ask, then life interrupted me. And now today I read the reason. Life interrupts us, but profoundly, it has a final interruption.

    Like others here, I’m sad about the news but admire your attitude toward it. I wish you and yours the best in coping with this. I’ve admired what you’ve done here over the years, and I was so happy to see you read online during the pandemic. Your work with “after” poems reflecting on the Tang poets so reinforced and amplified my attempts there. Thank you.

    Every day, for all of us, is a single day. Thoughts of you will remind me of this.

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    • Thank you, Frank. The past year has been a wild ride, but now I’m settling in to this new way of being. I feel good today, strong. In a few hours I’ll undergo a scan which will give us some idea of how well the treatment is working. And it is working, at least for the time being. The difference between how I felt three months ago and today is incredible. There is no cure for this, but I’ll gladly accept whatever additional time I’m given. Life is good!

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  31. Hi Bob,
    I was wondering about your silence. So sorry to hear about your diagnosis, that is very sad news.
    When I first started blogging your blog was (and still is) to me the gold standard. I was always amazed at how you kept up such a high quality. And thank you for some very gracious comments on my work early on.
    So hang in there, Bob, and yes, enjoy your days!
    All the best
    Jim

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  32. Bob, Oh how I weep for you and wish you werent suffering so. It pains me that you are ailing and yes, please let us accompany you through every precious gift of the present. Your life has been one of sharing beauty and we’d like to thank you by offering you much deserved support. Keep us posted of your treatments. Silence will worry us, so all you can post is appreciated. May your every day be one of distractions that make you smile and take your mind off of the when. ~ much love ~

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    • Thank you, Steph. The “when” doesn’t overly concern me, except with regards to practical matters like “should I renew the subscription to this print journal.” 😄 And I actually just renewed one (but only for a year). Ha!

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  34. Thank you for all your offerings on the edge. Sending you all the joy and positive energies for the new journey you have to face. You have the strength to celebrate life and hope all will be peaceful in the moments to come.

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  36. Dear dear Robert, I am so sad to hear your dreadful news. I admire your courage and your decision “to celebrate, to share those brief wonders and observations, the sights, feel, smells and sounds of tangible and intangible joys, the moments and experiences, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant, that weave through our days and add immeasurably to our lives.” I will be here beside you learning & sharing with you. I am sending you all love. Maggie

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  37. I am so sorry to hear this Robert. I was wondering why your poetry was no longer arriving in my inbox. I admire your ability to celebrate the time you have left. As you say, we are all terminal, and we all don’t know how much time we have left, and often forget to attend to the moment. I’m glad you will be attending to the moment, and am sending good vibes from the west coast, hoping that you can enjoy each day as it comes. Best wishes.

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  38. Robert your news is heartbreaking and your attitude and approach heart-lifting. Your poetry has always reflected a man who is awake and aware of being alive. And that apparently hasn’t changed. Of course not! I wonder if you have any idea how deep and important your influence is and continues to be to so many of us. I wish you the very best in the days to come and send you an abundance of whatever it is one can send that provides a bit of glow along the way.

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  42. Robert, I’ve just arrived to revamp my WP acct and I’m stunned by this news. “You Say Cicada” was the first piece I ever accepted for C&B and it still and always will floor me. Your poems are deeply memorable, filled with grace and beauty and wisdom, and although my heart is breaking right now I’m so grateful you chose to share your words with so many of us.

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    • Thank you so much, C.B. I’d almost forgotten about the poem, but now I think it should go into a manuscript (which doesn’t exist yet). Seems the work never ends. 😄 I am feeling good today, which is yet another thing to celebrate!

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  45. Pingback: Lightly, from Aldus Huxley’s novel “Island” | Frank Hudson

  46. While thinking of you and your announcement this week I came upon a piece of text from Aldous Huxley’s last novel and thought of you as I worked on presenting it. Just got done posting it tonight at the Parlando Project.

    You continue in my thoughts.

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  47. I was/am deeply heavy in my heart to read this post, Robert.

    That aside – I’m sending you and your bride love and light every day. If I could do more I would.

    Thank you for sharing your life and this living.

    Celebrate each moment.

    Cheers!

    ~Jessan

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  48. Oh Robert, I’m very sorry to hear your heavy news. I have been worrying about your absence for a while now, hoping it was just a busy life interfering with your blogging
    .
    Your poetry sustains and inspires me, and living life to intensity is what I would expect of you at this time. I can feel that intensity in much of your work.

    My love and respect to you and your wife.

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  49. I’m very sorry to hear this news, but grateful that you are sharing it with us so that we may become a “virtual support” to you, Robert! ❤ You are so right to celebrate; such a good mindset as you navigate this new reality. ((hugs))

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  50. Welcome back, Bob. I’m glad to see your post again after a while, despite the unexpected news. Fuck cancer! I wish you the fortitude and vitality to carry on with life. 🤗🦋

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