I’m Still Here (the celebration continues)

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In April 2023 I was diagnosed with late stage metastatic lung cancer. The cancer had spread to the lymphatic system, the brain, the liver and the pelvis (actually fracturing bone). The large lung mass was also responsible for partially paralyzing my vocal cords, in addition to affecting the heart, resulting in the implantation of a pacemaker. While the prognosis (not good—it’s terminal) and timing (uncertain) remain unchanged, I feel much better than I did when first diagnosed.

All this is to say that I admit to being surprised (though grateful) at my ongoing existence.

And I continue celebrating this persistence, despite certain setbacks. Lately, food has not appealed to me. Oh, I’m still eating, but food has become fuel rather than edible joy. I’m the guy who gets excited about red pepper paste, about finding mayacoba beans or za’atar seasoning on grocery shelves. Several months ago Stephanie and I were meandering (but not in a mazy motion, as in Coleridge’s Kubla Khan), in between medical appointments, the aisles of a store when I spotted a treasure. “Ooh, cornichons,” I exclaimed in my outdoor voice. I grabbed a jar, and babbled on, as I do, about how I needed them to make Julia Child’s potato salad. Stephanie looked amused, because, well, she’s used to my food enthusiasms. The potato salad was excellent, by the way.

But for the past six weeks or so, I seem to have lost this enthusiasm. Nothing has appealed to me. Or if it appealed to me before I started cooking, by the time I pulled it out of the oven, I no longer wanted it. Except last weekend, a brownie recipe slipped into my email inbox, and I simply, absolutely, inevitably, needed brownies. So I baked them. Dark chocolate, a smidgeon of espresso powder, chopped walnuts. THE BEST EVER! Perfect crust, crunchy exterior, moist, soft interior. Yum. It appears that my food enthusiasm isn’t entirely moribund. Perhaps I’ll become a baker. Maybe not.

But as this is a poetry blog, I should mention something about poetry. During the past year, knowing that my time is limited, and that if I want my poems to be published, I must send them out, I assembled several manuscripts: a couple of chapbooks, a micro-chapbook, and a second full-length book. The long and short of it is that within the next year, I’ll have had published, by five separate publishers, two full-length books, two chapbooks and one micro-chap. After so many years of accumulated rejections, this level of success is unprecedented. And very welcome! Something to celebrate! If only there were brownies…

88 thoughts on “I’m Still Here (the celebration continues)”

  2. That is definitely something to celebrate, Bob! A big WOW🤗 And I’m so glad you are doing as well as you are! Gonna be a great read when all your books come out❤️

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  11. I’ve been a follower of yours for years, and an admirer of your works for much longer. I eagerly anticipate the ability to add your works to my collection and wish you nothing more than any peace sought after!! I hope to receive more updates for much longer ❤ Sending every positive and healthy vibe that can be mustered.

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    • It helps that I live with two people who find great joy in the world. And then there’s our cat, and all the birds, and the raccoons, the chipmunks, rabbits, squirrels, the occasional fox, and the beautiful golden orb spider who’s spinning her web outside our bedroom window. So much to see and enjoy. Life is good.

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  15. So glad you’re here, Robert. River Glass sent along the preprint as you asked and it is truly stunning. I have to go very slowly to savor it all because every line unpacks so much of the world, so beautifully. 💗

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  16. A follower for a decade, I was saddened by news of your terminal illness.
    I am 65, retired and widowed.
    I feel so very fortunate to have reasonably good health (a little CAD), my wits, and a comfortable life in the country.
    Every day I say “this is the best day of my life, because I’m still here”.

    I admire the courage with which you share your life on the blog.
    Any one of us could get this kind of news any day, and I bear that in mind always.

    “A fleeting glimpse? A parting glance?
    For who knows how long we shall dance?

    And the circle goes.
    And the circles grow.
    And the circle knows
    That a circle closes.”

    I wish for you peace.

    Scott R. O’Connor

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  17. Robert, you inspire me! I’m grateful for this update — and it’s wonderful to hear about all your recent and upcoming publishing projects. (I’ve always loved your poetry.) May you continue on and on and on, feeling as well as possible for as long as possible!

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    • Thanks, Betty. I think I’ve finally figured out, after many years, how to assemble a cohesive manuscript out of individual poems written at wide intervals and with different sparks of “inspiration.” I certainly couldn’t tell anyone else how to do it, but at least I’ve learned how to work with my own material. Ha! I’ll continue on as long as I’m able. I don’t know what else to do!

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      • That’s something I never really learned to do, Robert — finding the commonalities in various layers of “unrelated” poems. Something to contemplate!
        (By the way, I was so glad you were included in the anthology “No More Can Fit Into the Evening”. It’s a delight to have been published in the same book as you — though my poetry is bland compared to yours!)

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        • For me, it seems to be a matter of finding the right “tone,” or feeling. Subject matter can vary, but the poems need to resonate with each other in some mysterious way. I wish I could explain it. Of course I’ll start with an unwieldy manuscript two or three times larger than what eventually emerges. Ha. I was so pleased when Tom Davis asked me for some poems for the anthology. And I would never call your poetry bland, Betty. Brilliant is more apt!

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          • Robert, I left a long reply to your kind comment here last week, but seems it never got posted. 🤔 Mainly it was a thank you for your kind words. Also mentioned again how much I admire your poetry, and how I learned about the technique of enjambment from you. Also – looking forward to your latest books! (Hopefully this reply will get posted…. I’m having a lot of trouble with the app.) Wishing you many, many good days ahead!!!

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            • Betty, this app has been driving me batty, but at this point, I’m stuck with it. I learned everything I know about line breaks from reading James Wright’s and David Wevill’s poetry. Such masters! I hope to be around to see the publication of all five books, but if that doesn’t work out, I still intend to enjoy the hell out of whatever time is allotted me.

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  18. Having lost another writer friend to lung cancer this year, I’m quite pleased that you are still here with us. Still writing. Still sharing. Still enthusiastic about living through whatever the day’s enthusiasm brings. Maybe it won’t be food, unless a whim strikes. But as long as there’s the breath and the beat, somehow I expect to find you appreciating and finding some kind of joy in your days. Thank you for being here!

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    • I’ve come to appreciate, even more, those exquisite moments of ordinary beauty. Nothing makes me happier than the expression on Stephanie’s face when I pour her first cup of coffee in the morning. Gratitude, love, bliss—it’s all there. Each day contains many such moments. I embrace them all.

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  21. Spectacular, Bob! With an uncertain timeframe, it’s hard to know whether you’re sprinting to an approaching finish line or still just running well through a middle distance. Either way, it’s marvelous that you’ve gathered your effort and intention so powerfully; you are making exceedingly good use of your life right now. Worth celebrating, even without those brownies (which sound delicious)! Congratulations, Sir Poet.

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    • I think I’m sauntering to the best of my ability. I’m certainly in no hurry to hit the finish line, and am still enjoying the sights along the way. Those brownies were spectacular. I may need to bake another celebratory batch soon!

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  23. I cannot wait for all of these books, Bob—especially Scarecrow in print! It’s so good to hear that you’re feeling irie despite these quirks of appetite. (Is that a legal Scrabble word? I hope so.) It makes sense that Julia Child’s potato salad would be the ne plus ultra as far as your body is concerned. And the brownie recipe… I’m hunting for it right now.

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  24. this is a wonderful pot which, in spite of its subject matter, is uplifting. I put it down to your buoyancy of spirit — some things can’t be suppressed — and your freshness of writing. How I did not subscribe to you before puzzles me. I too have cancer though unlike yours it’s indolent and in remission. It’s a blood cancer with a name as long as a Welsh railway station 🙂 It starts with Waldenstrom ….. Any how I wish you well on your journey and applaud the rapid success of your publishing endeavours 🙂

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  27. I’m so sorry to hear of your health challenges, Robert! Yet I am simultaneously thrilled to also hear of your prolific creativity! Let us know when your next books are available. I am ever and always a fan and friend from afar.

    With metta and mudita,

    Emily

    St Brigid Press

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  29. WOW! Wonderful – the brownies, the publications, and the positive attitude. Moribund me had long presumed the worst and occasionally I Googled your name in search of an obi…in search of your name. This posting has made my day! Wonderful!

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  31. A wonderful post, Robert! Much love to you and yours!

    I live facing a pond with abundant wildlife in and around it. Many species of fish, Florida long-nosed turtles, pelicans, roseate spoonbills, terns, snowy egrets, several varieties of bats, crows, mallards, Muscovies, doves, black racers, cottonmouths, woodpeckers, blue and grey herons, sandhill cranes, raccoons, possums, sparrows, water striders, lots of frogs. . . . So, one day I was staring stupidly and open at the pond, and it occurred to me that despite this abundance, I had never seen, here, a field mouse. The next morning, I stepped outside, and there was a field mouse, with its little pink ears, staring up at me as if to say, “You called?”

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