Tag Archives: humor

FIVE CREATIVE USES FOR MY BOOK, FROM EVERY MOMENT A SECOND

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More than just poetry!

So you don’t read poetry? No worries. This book is a multi-tasker’s dream. Buy it and let your practical nature take over. No reading necessary!

1) Scorpion swatter – let the aggressive, pain-inducing arachnid know the full weight of poetry! SLAM! No more second moments for you, scorpion!

2) Coaster – a half-dozen copies of the book will keep you out of the doghouse, if you, like certain unnamed poets, occasionally, and without malice, set sweating pint glasses of frothy ale directly on antique cherry end-tables. Just place a copy of From Every Moment a Second on all tabletops and flat surfaces around the home, and never worry about marring the furniture. Put your beverage glass directly upon the colorful cover, and let the poetry perform its magic. Who knew that paper was so absorbent!

3) Body armor – well, maybe not. The pen is mightier than the sword, and all that, but Kevlar is a better bet when it comes to bullets. So scratch that idea, unless you’d like to print up Kevlar dust jackets. Hmm. Not a bad idea. Nyah, nyah! Your bullets can’t pierce my verse! Just saying…

4) Hot pad – need something on which to place a gurgling pot of “OMG This Stuff Burns, Really, Really Burns” chili? A short stack of From Every Moment a Second will do the trick. I recommend at least three copies to achieve maximum efficiency. For larger pots, six copies, in stacks of three, are considered the norm, but you may, for personal reasons, use more.

5) Furniture and appliance leveler – are you tired of your fried eggs running downhill and forming lazy crescent moons instead of perfectly centered suns? Simply stick a copy of From Every Moment a Second under the offending corner of the stove. Presto. Sunny side up? No problem. And this is a portable solution! How many times have you been to a trendy, hipster coffee shop and found your table, the only unoccupied one, of course, wobbling, and in danger of spilling precious drops of that costly triple-mocha-vodka latte? Carry copies of the book with you, and shove one (or more) under the responsible table leg. Done!

 

To order this scorpion-swatting, moisture-absorbing, heat-deflecting and furniture-leveling book, visit Finishing Line Press. And hey, you might even look at some of the words. It’s okay. Really.

Undecided? Read a review here. Alas, no mention of the five uses described above…

 

 

FIVE CREATIVE USES FOR MY BOOK, FROM EVERY MOMENT A SECOND

Posted on by
44

More than just poetry!

So you don’t read poetry? No worries. This book is a multi-tasker’s dream. Buy it and let your practical nature take over. No reading necessary!

1) Scorpion swatter – let the aggressive, pain-inducing arachnid know the full weight of poetry! SLAM! No more second moments for you, scorpion!

2) Coaster – a half-dozen copies of the book will keep you out of the doghouse, if you, like certain unnamed poets, occasionally, and without malice, set sweating pint glasses of frothy ale directly on antique cherry end-tables. Just place a copy of From Every Moment a Second on all tabletops and flat surfaces around the home, and never worry about marring the furniture. Put your beverage glass directly upon the colorful cover, and let the poetry perform its magic. Who knew that paper was so absorbent!

3) Body armor – well, maybe not. The pen is mightier than the sword, and all that, but Kevlar is a better bet when it comes to bullets. So scratch that idea, unless you’d like to print up Kevlar dust jackets. Hmm. Not a bad idea. Nyah, nyah! Your bullets can’t pierce my verse! Just saying…

4) Hot pad – need something on which to place a gurgling pot of “OMG This Stuff Burns, Really, Really Burns” chili? A short stack of From Every Moment a Second will do the trick. I recommend at least three copies to achieve maximum efficiency. For larger pots, six copies, in stacks of three, are considered the norm, but you may, for personal reasons, use more.

5) Furniture and appliance leveler – are you tired of your fried eggs running downhill and forming lazy crescent moons instead of perfectly centered suns? Simply stick a copy of From Every Moment a Second under the offending corner of the stove. Presto. Sunny side up? No problem. And this is a portable solution! How many times have you been to a trendy, hipster coffee shop and found your table, the only unoccupied one, of course, wobbling, and in danger of spilling precious drops of that costly triple-mocha-vodka latte? Carry copies of the book with you, and shove one (or more) under the responsible table leg. Done!

 

To order this scorpion-swatting, moisture-absorbing, heat-deflecting and furniture-leveling book, visit Finishing Line Press. And hey, you might even look at some of the words. It’s okay. Really.

Undecided? Read a review here. Alas, no mention of the five uses described above…

 

 

How to Do Nothing

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How to Do Nothing

First you must wash the window to observe more clearly
the dandelion seed heads bobbing in the wind. Next,

announce on Facebook and Twitter that you will be offline
for the next two days, if not forever. Heat water for tea.

Remember the bill you forgot to pay, and then cleanse
your mind of all regret. Consider industrial solvents

and the smoothness of sand-scoured stone, the miracle
of erasure. Eliminate all thought, but remember

the water. Hitch a ride on a Miles Davis solo and float
away on a raft of bluesy notes and lions’ teeth,

and wonder how to sabotage your neighbor’s leaf blower,
but nicely, of course. She’s a widow with a gun.

Now it is time to empty yourself. Close your eyes.
Become a single drop of dew on a constellation of petals.

Evaporate, share the bliss. Stuff that dog’s bark
into a lock box alongside the tapping at the door,

the phone’s vibration, the neighbor’s rumbling bass,
and the nagging, forgotten something that won’t

solidify until three in the morning, keeping you awake.
But don’t ignore the whistling. You must steep the tea.
* * *

“How to Do Nothing” was published in Volume 4 of Steel Toe Review, available for purchase here.

 

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Recording of “In Praise of Rain”

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In Praise of Rain

Which is not to say lightning or hail.
Sometimes I forget to open the umbrella

until my glasses remind me: Wake up, you’re
wet! If scarcity breeds

value, what is a thunderhead worth
in July? A light shower in August?

Even spreadsheets can’t tell us.

***

“In Praise of Rain” has appeared here several times, but this is the recording’s debut.

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Recording of “Scarecrow Pretends” at Words and Feathers

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I’m participating in the Open Mic at Words and Feathers. My contribution is “Scarecrow Pretends,” and can be read here, at The Slag Review. Kudos to Crow for hosting this virtual reading!

We Call the Neighbor’s Fat Burro Donkey Hotei, but His Name is Cantinflas

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We Call the Neighbor’s Fat Burro Donkey Hotei, but His Name is Cantinflas

Certainty grows in corners, away from light.
From his mouth issues the breath we take, the words we keep.

Enjoy the collusion of shape and sound.
We share the hummingbird’s taste for sweet, but not its fierceness.

Its heart beats 1,200 times a minute,
and you ask me how best to bury money.

Hotei’s name means cloth sack, and comes from the bag he carried;
a man of loving character, he possessed the Buddha nature.

What we own cannot be held.
Most plastics are organic polymers with spine-linked repeat units.

The space you’ve left expands exponentially.
Left in the rain, the bell grows.

Christen me at your own peril. Agaves flower once then die.
Fluency in silence.

I dropped my pants when the scorpion stung my thigh.
The wind takes nothing it does not want.

After vulcanization, thermosets remain solid.
The Cantinflas character was famous for his eloquent nonsense.

Vacuum wrap the bills in plastic, place them in pvc.
Having mastered imperfection, I turn to folly.

Not the thing itself, but the process laid bare and opened.
Hoping to hide, the scorpion scuttled under a boot.

Thought to action, whisper to knife: which is not a curse?
The wind wants nothing; the burro sings his loneliness.

 

This first appeared here in May 2015. My failures often lead to success. I’ve never quite completed this piece, and don’t know that I ever will. But the first draft (nearly five years ago) set me off on a new path, one that has served me well. What more can I ask?
 
 
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Recording of “How to Write a Poem” at Words and Feathers

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I’m participating in the Open Mic at Words and Feathers. My contribution is “How to Write a Poem,” which has appeared here twice in the past year. Kudos to Crow for hosting this virtual reading!